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Gaffer has done several things over the past week toward dealing with the large pile of manure that was dumped on him just after Christmas. Here is a post with all the things he needs and wants (and some of his "want" list strikes me as being remarkably close to qualifying as "needs" as well). He also has a few things he'd love to find new homes for, where they will be loved and used and appreciated. "What I need help with" :
* Moving help for about 75 or so boxes of books and kitchen things - and a couple pieces of furniture (most of what he has is going in the dumpster) - a moving co may be overkill, but a couple of strong backs with a truck, who know what they're doing, would be a God-send! (currently in a 3rd floor walk-up)
* Moving boxes for books, and plastic bags to seal them in
* $50 for a month's rent (month-to-month) on an un-heated storage unit in S. Boulder, or somewhere to stash said books and things where they will be sheltered but freezing for a week or so (not a huge problem this week, eh?) (perhaps IN the moving truck...?)
* Help (someone with a largish vehicle) doing a bunch of laundry (everything that is washable must be washed, on its way to the new place, once there is a new place)
* An apartment (ooh! drool for a coach-house in Newlands!!) that meets "ShelterPlusCare" housing subsidy requirements - state of repair, fire alarm, size, like that ... maximum rent + utilities of $875/month.
(While you can't barter with the electric company, he is more-than-willing to be an artist-in-residence for the landlord ... )
* His location parameters are roughly: between 1st and Folsom, and from Alpine to just north of "the Hill" - OR anywhere that has an Eco-Pass bus program in place.
(Easy access to Pearl is the most important consideration, since busking on the Mall is his primary source of cash income these days)
Good news: The move-by date has been revised to Jan. 15 - they realized that included in the first "10 days" were 2(!) major holidays and 2 weekends, and the person who has to approve his new digs for the subsidy won't even be back in town 'til the 4th!
Last but not least ~
* Website re-construction and hosting - he has files, and CDs to sell, but needs to get it "put back together".
(Note: website is in the process of being taken care of.) There is further information in that post; please do go read it. The PayPal button is HERE: if you can help, even with just a few dollars, it will do a lot to alleviate the obstacles and will be VERY much appreciated. The text of his Craigslist ad seeking his new home is: Harpist seeking one of those "nifty" Boulder rentals. One bedroom unit sought by outdoor (only!) smoker (balcony almost requisite); quiet, gentle individual looking for quiet neighborhood within fairly flat walk of downtown - West of Folsom, South of Alpine, North of the Hill (cannot do too much "up"). Bus access requisite.
Neighborhood Eco-pass Program is a plus. I would prefer a unit with dishwasher, gas range. Laundry access is also a plus.
I play harp on the Pearl Street Mall, and in various Senior Facilities and Nursing Homes throughout Boulder and Denver.
Please feel free to contact me directly at housethatharpist@humanoid.net
Whatever you can do to help--reposting this plea, dropping a few dollars his way, spending a couple hours carrying boxes (if you're in Boulder) or helping to make the connection between Gaffer and his still-to-be-found new home, will be appreciated SO very much, and will make a significant difference in the life of a wonderful human being. All of us will be richer thereby, and I thank you for it.
Just catching up. The last 3 Mondays I took off from working out; normally a good prime day to work out as it is my day off... The boys are part of my reason behind this!!! Jim and Jon have the exact same schedule... both garnering Mondays off. (Same overnight shift too) And typically I'll spend the mid day to evening with Jon, and then chill with Jim in the evening, even if I had "plans" to hit the 2030 Yoga class. Yikes. Been feeling balanced though, and as I look at my work out logs, I realize it's working out ;) hAHaHA. So far this week it looks like this: Sunday: Yoga/4 Mile Run Monday: OFF Tuesday: Yoga/CT Will be hitting the Yoga tonight, and I'd like to squeeze in a run somewhere. But, if it doesn't work out, I'll just hit the yoga studio and be happy with that :) It's been packed in the studio since the New Year. I don't remember this kind of boom last year. The grand opening at the new location can't come soon enough - the packed room is something else ;) It's good... but also torturous! The more folks packed in the room, the higher that humidity spikes. Surely by the end of January, my focus will be bullet proof from this. Adjusting to what my practice looks like alongside regular running and CT. I am seeing results already with my CT, which I was not expecting. I've moved back to the 20# weights, and gauge based off of how heavy Rufus is feeling on any given day ;) When he begins to feel lighter, I know my CT is doing the job. (We carry him up and down the stairs in the 3 level townhouse...) I remember when I had hit the 30#ers he seemed rather effortless. :P Have committed to moving slowly with CT, especially regarding the lower body exercises in the circuit. HOWEVER - I am doing squats and lunges and have had surprising success with how my knees are responding! It's wonderful! Before long, these will also help me in triangle pose in class. Really enjoying noticing my kneecaps, instead of my tendons in my knees when any pressure gets near it! This may sound weird, but... the tendons being so un-inflamed these days feels like a miracle every day. Every moment I stand and talk to someone for more than 5 minutes, I'm grateful for my recovery point. Every time I'm tempted to "push it" because someone like Joe at Records begs me to do something that could put it "at risk" like a hike that I know it isn't ready for, I am reminded again of how NOT to push it, and how regular folks will not quite understand necessarily what it's like to have been put in a position of limitation for so long. This coming weekend is my unarmed defense course, and I am particularly looking forward to it :) Trying to stay high vibrating about the office here. Having fun also at home with some great veggie recipes. So far, things are going along great. Side note that made me laugh: A black guy shorter than me called me "Shawty." Nevermind. Co worker of Jim's. The dude is hilarious, and is somehow super amused by me. Makes me giggle. Off to go replace a monitor somewhere in the city... -Angela
 ...then consider coming to a meeting of the Giant Robot Appreciation Society, Evergreen's Japanese animation club! The first meeting of Winter quarter (including the start of two new shows, Planetes and Welcome to the NHK) is tomorrow. As always, free popcorn. ^_^ More details available at our website.
Spent last night at a retirement party of one of Jim's co workers. This was fun. Today I slept in, (not sure when my 30 day 5AM trial begins, but I know it might be the 15th of January when Mercury goes direct) and lounged around the house. I finally got bored and went for a run. Decided since I felt so lazy, not to be pushing my speed. Turns out I went at what seemed a "slow" pace, and it was the same as my standard pace. Okay, weird. Sometimes the brain thinks the body is moving slowly... I am updating before I head out to the 16:30 Bikram class. Had a quick lunch. The weekends have been weird with my eating schedule. Hm, okay~! Mostly due to sleeping in too much and then Bikram classes not wanting to eat too much before class. Today I risked it, seeing as I would have zero fuel to get through the class if I didn't. Hoping I'm not feeling gross in compression and floor poses with my soup, bread, and banana... hmmm. :D I'll let you all know. :P So, after I head out, do this (looking forward to it now because I got cold when I came home!) I want to clean house with Jim and stock up on some meal makings for my next week. Br, feelin' cold. My living room is in serious NEED of cleaning. Can't wait to fix up the front room. It will make me happier and I will be ready for a week of great home vegetarian cookin'. Slowly wrapping my head around the label a little more. Was pretty much strongly opposed to the label for the last 4 months. Maybe I'm just accepting to what I'm becoming. I was only listening to my mind-body intuition on this shift. My intellect said, "I love meat!" but beyond my mind was otherwise. Hard to explain. I don't question these things anymore, I just listen. -Angela
Great day: Got up, went to Snohomish to visit my parents. Went with Mom to grab her food, ended up eating food after my coffee was jittering me out too much. Also family drama mellowing. I'd write more on that, but this is a quick update. Went shopping at the dollar stores; I needed a dustpan and a new dog bowl. Also stopped by Goodwills trying to find a coat rack. Struck out. Had dinner, came home... Saw Jim. Circuit trained... will be heading to bed soon. Shower sounds nice. A bit sleepy. Looking forward to yoga tomorrow. And also a bit nervous! It's been 2 days. I normally don't take 2 consecutive days off. :X :D -Angela
Here goes! -Angela
Time to head out of the office for the last time this year. Not at all sad about this. Had a great lunchtime run, and made the most delicious zucini, eggplant, yellow pepper, and a bunch of other tasty veggie wrap for lunch. I forgot how delicious recipes can be. I succeeded! So filling and so low cal. Off to bug Jim! -Angela
As 2009 closes, I've got to say it's been a ride. I began 2009 on a very happy note, I remember distinctly. I had discovered Yoga and I'd also found my pain levels lowering. It wasn't the complete end, but it was definitely the following steps of my journey to recovery of the knees. To this end, I've learned a great deal in the last 2 years about things I am pretty sure will help me out as I age, and as I continue my journey through this life. Really. When Brenna told me in no uncertain terms this year after a yoga class one day, “pain in one of the greatest teachers,” I only began to understand it more as time passed. I will sorely miss Brenna, she's moved to Moses Lake. :( Sitting at the end of the year with the low (nearly non existent) levels of pain is pretty much more than I can describe. The 10 pounds that I've yet to drop since the beginning of my ACTUAL healing bothers me a whole lot less than constant pain :) I'll be targeting a serious launch of some great new things in January. It isn't because of your standard New Years resolution... it's just a matter of timing! I like to make resolutions all year long, and I have a propensity to launch them with pretty great fervor. Let's explore a few things and get them out of my head: + I'll be beginning a 28 day vegetarian meal plan – beginning at my current fitness level and maintaining roughly 1400 calories a day. These will be more specific nutrient rich foods and I am letting the raw food experiments sit in the future, for AFTER I reach my goal weight. + I'd like to maintain 4-6 days a week of Bikram Yoga practice when I can. I understand that with my other fitness goals, this might be hard. I'll be starting off with a 2-3 day a week schedule of runs and circuit training. I have to start slow and build up. I'd rather not drop the yoga practice, and build with the other stuff on the side. So, 3 runs, or 2 runs and 1 CT, or 2 ct and 1 run = alongside of the 4-6 days of yoga. We'll see. It's going to be a trial situation before I can see how it balances out. + I will also be launching a self defense education for myself, as I begin to scale my focus for 2010. January 9th and 10th I am enrolled in Insight Training Centers Unarmed Self Defense Level I . + In February, I'll be taking another self defense course offered by another company. I hope to begin compiling some great skills for my own use, and one day I intend to share the skills I pick up with anyone interested in learning from me. It's the beginning of a skill set I'd like to beef up :) Fitness and Defense! Lastly, I'll be launching sometime early in 2010 another 30 day early riser trial. I have slipped out of the habit and am very saddened by this!!! I really got benefits out of gaining time every day before my work schedule, and also maintaining it on weekends. These are my basics for the early quarter of 2010. I'll be checking in and re-creating my goals quarterly. 2009 marks a year of self discovery and a complete shift in my mentality and mindset. Will be worried a lot less about the “Future,” and dropping as best I can, constant references to the “past.” My intention is to live in the moment, with the Power of Now. I believe a greater flow will be achieved with this approach. Stay on deck! I intend also to update on livejournal to keep things fresh and articulate to myself and have some folks on board to watch my life transform itself! Woohoo! Here goes, right!? I'll be heading out on lunch here, to pound out a final run in 2009. I'm so blessed. -Angela
Hey. The boffering group I am involved with is having a winter get together in Bellevue on January 1st, around 5:30pm. I'm mentioning it here because of few of you have either fought with us before (Jackie) or expressed interest in doing so (Joshua). So if you would like to come and hang out, please RSVP on our Yahoo group. Key Word: Gondor. (Should be pretty easy to figure out which one, but if you're having problems, message me.) Happy Holidays! - Me
Feeling pretty awesome again today. Came in to the office and have been catching up on email and the general "I've been out for a week or so," feeling. Oddly feeling energized about where I'm at for the moment. Much acceptance of what is happening to me right Now. Been really getting into "The Power of Now," by Eckhart Tolle. Just like the "Personal Development for Smart people," book by Steve Pavlina, (weird, but now I'm actually friends with Steve Pavlina IRLish)... The book is taking me a while to read. I have been finding that with information and transformational-type rich literature, I am in no rush to finish and I tend to absorb things pretty heavily. Last night was a great night. I went to breakfast with Jim in the AM before he went to bed, I didn't go to Yoga like I thought I would - but I did meet Jon for coffee. We hung out for a while at the coffee shop where the barista dude apparently recognized me. (I GET THIS EVERYWHERE I GO). This guy apparently remembered me from Junior High - the 1 year he was at my junior high. It really threw me off, he used my first name and he actually asked Jon about me before I showed up. Weird. I didn't really remember this guy at all....... People remember me. Even the people who don't know me, seriously. After coffee we went for a nice long walk in Redmond and eventually got hungry, grabbed some food, and then headed back to 874. Spent a great evening with the 2 guys while Jim played video games. Was very relaxing. Read the Eckhart Tolle book slowly. Trying to digest a lot of it, but it seems it is high lighting everything I seemed to have learned the hard way between April 2008-Present. Ouch, it hurts my brain. Would I have accepted it the same way if I hadn't discovered this stuff on my own? Not sure. Irrelevance. It is timely to read this book because it is actually helping me see the light beyond the darkness that was the sadness of my brother being at odds with me. Not sure what's the deal over in his universe, but I know I'm going to live my life right Now. The hurt and the pain is just resistance to what Is. What Is, is. I'm workin hard at being Present to myself, and not so much using the feelings and emotion as a piece of my identity. My past and future have nothing to do with me right Now. As I sit here, right Now, I'm about ready to head out to take care of some work. Nothing feels bad about that. There are no problems in this present moment. Music, a warm building, sunlight shining through the windows, mountains and trees all around the surrounding areas. Looking back at what happened last week has no impact on what I am feeling in this acute moment. Every folly of a statement is what it is. Taking on the mistakes and trials as part of me is unnecessary... what is necessary is to try and take myself out of psychological time, and into "clock" time. Exploring what that means and how I can make it best work for my life. I think this sort of transformation in my own thinking may help me with my journey through 2010. I'll be doing a write up eventually of my most personal goals, hopefully when I get a spare moment today. But these goals will have no real pressure - because they will only happen in the Now. You cannot touch the future, you cannot be in the past. The past is a reflection of a prior Now. The future is an imagined Now. Anyway, until next time. -Angela
The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life. Derek Walcott
i am getting up at 3 am to shower and go to san francisco and haven't packed, so it's a great time to make an lj post. this year has been rough. i continued a lot of last year's mistakes. but they say the third time's the charm, and somehow i believe it. winter vacation has been filled with wonderful experiences & daydreams come true. i put up some pictures and video. on new year's eve we're going to an om records party and then to breakfast of champions where i will be a mentat. the om records party says "please join us as we ring in what will undoubtedly be the best fucking year ever!" - and it's strange, but for whatever reason, i believe that.
I've been really scaling back on LJ, as my addiction to facebook has taken off. At first it didn't impact it all! But oddly - I read an article that then said "has one form of social media taken over others for you?" and then like some odd power of suggestion - I stopped LJ-ing. Well, damnit! I'm done with that. I need live journal for archiving purposes - to look back at my life. Also - to keep people like nobodyberry in on my life. I've been reading the entries of others for weeks, but being pretty quiet. One of my many goals that I will be exploring (this end of year) is to begin regularly updating livejournal again. SERIOUSLY. The big thing is that since life has really begun to turn around, (I was never a sad-depressed-only livejournaler) in the past, and I refuse to allow that to have been the case. Because I'm so happy with how my knees are progressing, and with how positive I've become again. So here goes! Yesterday - I was going to try and hang out with Jon AT some point. But... for the second or third day, we couldn't orchestrate that. DAMN. Today it's going to happen at noon. In fact, as soon as I am done with this I am heading over to our favorite meetup place: Peet's coffee and tea in Redmond. I need to buy some coconut water anyway at Whole Foods (it is the best re-hydrator and my yoga studio sells it for more than I enjoy paying!!!) Yesterday, was cool! I went to yoga after sleeping in. I've gotten into the very bad habit of sleeping the hell in. Well - at least it was my week and a half long vacation I took on whim - so my next goal for 2010 is to begin early rising again (5AM). I have a lot of productivity I think I can manage before my 7AM work. Slept in, went to Grant's noon yoga class and saw Linda. You all will very well be pretty unsure of who these people are (LJ followers). These are my yoga teachers, who have become my friends as well as my instructors. Sharing energy as often as I do and seeing them every day makes a huge difference on my connections with them. It's been so great to see this. December 5th, 2008, I began Bikram Yoga as an experiment at the suggestion of energei. (Friends list here). Best thing I've ever done. I thought Yoga was for vaginas. Bikram Yoga is not for Vaginas. hahaha. I have a yoga body now. I miss my runner's figure, but have definite 2010 goals to re-obtain that! Except I think no matter what, practicing so much yoga can only mean my ass will sit high no matter what! HAHHAHA. So true. My back muscles are rockin though. Then after yoga class I came home. Actually, I visited with Grant for about an hour after class because there is no class till 16:30 after that. WE tend to just blahbalbahblabhazl. I can't even describe my connection with Grant. He's weird as hell and I adore him. Came home, did some other crap? Jim woke up. We chilled. Decided to take him to Georgio's later in the evening. I have stopped going there since I felt like I didn't like their veggie subs as much since my switch to vegetarianism in September/October. About 4 months and going strong with this lifestyle. I'm okay with it. Sometimes, it gets annoying. Sometimes, it's no biggie at all. Then Jim asked me to a movie. I was waiting for a call from Jon - but ended up agreeing to a movie with Jim anyway. We killed time at the Barnes and Noble first. I had a soy latte - a non drip coffee confection that I honestly haven't really had for about 4 months also. At the same time I was exploring vegetarianism, I cut milk also. I generally avoid caffeine... but I treated myself with the soy latte. I almost died. It tasted so good. :P Jim shopped for books for his dad for a Christmas gift (belated) and then we saw Avatar. I actually enjoyed it. I owe him one for taking me to see it at the nasty, nasty price of $19.50 for two tickets. Disgusting. Then we came home. Sleep was had. I haven't worked out yet, but I think I want to take the 20:30 class tonight. I also want to either run or circuit train. The goal for the coming weeks will be to maintain my yoga practice - but add in running and CT. My back seems to been doing awesome - thanks to chiropractic since Octoberish (seriously, I screwed it up bigtime in 2005) and .... running! I miss it and love it. I will be working hard at improving performance wise again. My knees are so strong right now! My tendons are handling things really well. I could cry massive tears of joy. I have! I feel like my big lesson though - is to try desperately not to rebuild what I once had in 2007... but to find something new and move on. I am not what I was, and I am not what I will be tomorrow. I am what I am right now. It is more valuable than tomorrow and yesterday. And the learning of this has been one son of a bitch. As for my brother. I'm bummed. I'm not sure about what the dealio will be. But, I am sure once the heat settles he'll understand the Truth about my intent. Perhaps her pressure on him colored what it was, and he began to see only her reality in that moment - perhaps his own was buried. If his own reality WAS to get angry. Well, so be it. He knows who I am. I'm the person that will go out on a limb for those I care about, even if it means I risk losing my own personal gain and the limb breaking for it. That's who I am. And like when I was a child - no one hurts my big brother. Except - they do, can, will, and ... it is just in my innate instinct this lifetime to protect him. We can only do our best with what we have. We cannot protect those we love from the lessons they need. Messed up is his situation, or perfect - he has to walk his own path. Like parents - even well meaning - loving, siblings must see this reality too. I adore the dude. I hope she can dig deep within herself and grow and treat him with the most respect. And if she can't? I hope in time it, her behavior, repays her. My life - is here. Over here with its own set of lessons. And today? I'm really happy with it. Even these knees. I love these knees. I am feeding them love right now. Cheesy? Yes. But it's how they healed. (Disclaimer? I'm still careful and receptive as hell to these knees!) That falls under the category of strong self-love! -Angela
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) gafferbear is one of the most amazing human beings I think I've ever met. Given the (truly high) quality of people in my life (yes, I'm talking about you!) that's really saying something. He is a harpist, among many other things, and one of those people you find yourself talking with for hours upon end ... and then realizing that every single word he said was worth listening to. He normally spends his days busking, or travelling to retirement homes to share the joy and serenity he creates with his music and do what he can to make the world a better place. Gaffer lives in Boulder CO, which is really freaking cold right about now, as it normally is at the turn of the year. Part of what this means is that busking isn't really an option right now, so his income has been cut pretty drastically. And, unfortunately, he's just had an emergency come up that requires him to find new living space and get moved into it on very very short notice. In short, he needs a miracle. Gaffer is physically pretty fragile and isn't going to be able to do all this himself. He could also use some help finding a new place that (a) fulfills his own needs and (b) he's able to afford on his fairly limited housing budget. There may also be some other stuff people who don't live in Boulder could do to help--I'll be talking with him tonight to find out the details and will share them as they become available. Some of it will be simple financial help, other parts will be things like helping him to set up a website to sell his CD's. For now, if you live in Boulder, or if you have friends or family or community in Boulder who might be able to help in some way, please, please ... Gaffer is one of the most wonderful human beings you will ever meet, and he can and will fill your world with heartbreakingly lovely harp music in exchange for anything you can do to help, not to mention his (and my) deep appreciation. His post with the initial information is here. Please feel free to repost and spread the word--the more people who hear about this, the easier it's going to be for us to create the magic to get this fixed. UPDATE: Paypal information is gafferbear [at] yahoo dot com, listed name is Wild Elf Productions. UPDATE 2: Here are a couple Youtube videos of Gaffer, aka That Harp Guy, courtesy elionwyr. Yes, that is really his voice, and yes, his music really does just reach right in and grab you by the ventricles. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lkk5YXXWgr8 - "Scum of the Earth" - the Voice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDLgbA_3W2M - the Harp Mon, Dec. 28th, 2009, 12:21 am
goldfish42: Purple
I keep forgetting to post this in my journal. I've been meaning to for weeks. Several of my friends have asked about the web address for The Purple Store. For those who haven't heard of it, it's a website run by a friend of mine that sells everything purple. Seriously! If it comes in purple, they sell it. Pretty cool. The URL is www.thepurplestore.com
To start off with: Sorry for the typo's. I had no time to edit this. I have not wrote a thing lately. I took this week off and have been relaxing and exercising and just being. It's been great. Last weekend was my immediate family's holiday party. Following that was a trip to Portland to do Jim's family party. Christmas day was Grandma's like always. I've been really happy lately, feeling very content. This is a blessing and I have worked through some very narly life crap to reach this current point in my life. I have been very social, and all that. On our family party, my brother pretty much didn't show up because him and the wife were fighting. I've never viewed their relationship as stellar, but for the most part I say very little about it - and I respect his choice for what makes him happy in his life. They had a hum-dinger fight on the 19th, and the following day they made up or whatever and him and his wife got to go hang out and celebrate family time with mom and dad, and not with the rest of our immediate sibs. My mom tried very hard to get the 3 of us kids back to do her own holiday gathering. She'd been really missing that. Well, it was a pretty hum dinger like fight that made me feel pretty uncomfortable watching. She tends to be very dramatic and controlling, I won't go into talking about anything else. He accepts this and carries out his life pretty happily. Since his marriage, I rarely see him. That's been fine. I get it - we all grow and end up with our own separate lives. He works a heavy schedule in the last couple of years (he has rather). There have been times I've felt however, that I can't get through to him - without being filtered through Melissa (the wife). She was the holder of the phone. When I'd call, no one would ever pick up. So I gave up. I stopped called about 3 years ago. She tends to hold a grudge and then stone wall people. I'm not saying she doesn't have her positive sides, it's just that I've gotten to witness and FEEL the other side of her. IF I disagree and won't back down, she tends to shut down and then I find myself not getting allowed into their home, or even communicating with them for months. This is a true thing. This time, I was reading an LJ-friends post on Christmas Day about emotional abuse. I wasn't thinking too heavily - I was just killing time while getting ready to leave. I remembered how miserable he had been the day of the 19th. He looked forlorn, lost, confused, and miserable. Not quite a broken man, but pushed to his absolute limits by parts of their relationship. I tried to be supportive but was obviously not in the arguement and knew little else of what was going on. I'm not in their relationship - I have no idea what most of their life LOOKS like. But I know she was calling my mom freaking out and saying she "hit a guard rail" and she needed James or she needed someone to come pick her up. She didn't hit a guardrail. She was just trying to get ANYONE to respond and pick up. He had went for a drive to the pass to try and sort his thoughts. It began to feel like manipulation, and it frankly unsettled me to watch her go from my brother - who stopped answering his phone, to my mom. To her mom. Etc. Eventually they all said, "call 911 if there is a real problem - or go home and give the man an couple of hours to himself." Anyways, after a dramatic holiday party I was left with just this image in my head. It wasn't in the forefront of my mind until I read the emotional abuse article the friend posted. I thought of James. (My brother). I hesitated for a moment - then I thought, "there's no harm in sending some info about this, just in case. To people you love... sometimes it's good to make sure they're looking out for themselves." I sent the following facebook message: " http://hps-sterling.livejournal.com/539733.html?view=1738069&style=mine#t1738069A friend on my list posted this. Unfortunately, I thought of you. :( Maybe this isn't at all what's up with your situation. But it's good to be aware of these patterns anyway. For everyone. Even if you aren't experiencing it." I promptly forgot I sent it on Xmas morning at all (around 7AM). We went, had our holiday get together, and went home. I went about my business. The following day I finally notice my phone is ringing (apparently I was too relaxed in the la la land of doing my own errands I didn't hear the first 6 calls). He had been calling me over and over and over until I finally picked up. My brother normally doesn't DO this. I pick up, all chill. He pretty much starts freaking the hell out on me. He is sounding in intense emotional distress all over again. He informs me first off that he's upset about the link I sent him. I'm thinking about what link I sent him at all, when he says "Melissa reads my email." Well, I don't think on these terms. No one reads my email. Last person who tried to read my email was Steve. I dumped him that day. It's not that Jim can't, we just tend to give each other space. When I write email to people, I have in mind that JUST they will see it. Well, he starts wigging out in all manner of near hysterics at me. My brother is a very laid back guy. He has never spoken to me, or acted this way towards me in all my life. I am hindered here, I don't remember AT ALL what I wrote, at this point. I apologize, I try and say, "it shouldn't be a big deal if there isn't a problem," but he is off the deep end and not listening. He says there was a problem because THAT is what I think about him and his marriage. He tells me it's my fault and I've opened up all of their problems all over again - and I say, "I won't take responsibility for that. That's not my fault." I try and say, "if someone sent that to me about me and Jim, we'd shrug it off and say thanks for caring but uh, we're fine." I tried to tell him I had no idea what their marriage was like, that I couldn't know what it was like. That I never get to see him or her for that matter. He goes off on hoiw much he's working. He goes off on how the fertility drugs that she is taking is why she's acting wacko, that it's stressful and that they want a kid. I know all this already, I'm getting overwhelmed with the situation, I have no idea what to say anymore. I'm in shock. I say something like, "well if it's not working then it's not working! Maybe you shouldn't have a kid" mistake, that isn't what I meant to say - I was just panicking from being verbally screamed at by my "never raise his voice" brother. I realize she is sitting right next to him. I realize SHE had to have wanted him to call me, and he was so angry that the link she found opened up her anger all over again - all her problems with the situation that had been happening exactly a week prior. I'm at a loss. I try and inject logic, saying I was sorry - but I had no idea what else I wrote when I sent the link. I hadn't expected a fight to be born out of it, I had expected if anything for it to be shrugged off. No, not at all. I finally hang up after saying something like, "I can't do this anymore." I wasn't going to revoke my thoughts, I said I THOUGHT of him, I didn't say I was CERTAIN this was the case. I felt pretty lousy in general, but knew it was too late. I had sent the informational link. If anything, I felt like this was proving the point of a problem - but wished for half a minute I hadn't sent it. Was I being too meddlesome? Well, no one had told me any more after the argument. In my mind, information like this can help people - or it can be one of those things you're like, "k, you're over reacting about my situation." I just got to watch everyone go through it. I just got to watch his tears, watch his gut wrenching pain. He tried to tell me all relationships get rocky and that I should know because I'd been through some. He told me his marriage was happy and great. I said "well fantastic! Then this post is pretty much null!" But he kept going on and on. ANd persisting on the phone, not letting me go. I also didn't marry these people I had the most rocky times with. I also moved on eventually and learned that sometimes - the way people treat you emotionally that puts you at these points is really not worth it. But I didn't say that. The intent behind sending the entry she wrote was not to break them up - to be a threat. It was to try and help him be sure he was empowered, to make sure he has the best happiness in his life. I know it's up to him, and that I have no impact over that. But the level I care for this guy is pretty deep. It breaks me up to see him so miserable. He was miserable, both weekends. My wish for him is ultimate happiness, and empowerment. I don't care if he stays with this woman, as long as they are healthy together. If they aren't - it still has nothing to do with my directly. Big picture - who cares what anyone else thinks of your relationship? I learned that as a 19 year old dating a 47 year old. I had to let go of that stuff. Oddly - I learned about emotional abuse most from THAT relationship. To be noted, I took the quiz myself, I asked myself if I or Jim were doing these things to each other, before I sent the link to James also. I wanted to check in with myself. We all are human and forget that our actions aren't always what they seem. I like to be sure I'm treating and being treated the best in intimate relationships. I was accessing the info from this standpoint, viewpoint. :( I'm so dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. I guess I won't be seeing or hearing from him for a long while. Remember the stone walling? I predict the rest of the marriage will be a stone walled thing. Happy Holidays! -Angela
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